2 Years...And Still Waiting
A guest post from an adopting mamma, who after 2 years is still walking through the piles of paper work and endless check writing . Meet Karen Stott, founder of the Pursuit Community and owner of The Intentional Home. Sometimes I feel like Anna in frozen… “God…. I get the feeling you don’t know.” God.. as Elsa.. “What do I not know?” Me as Anna… “You’ve kind of set off an eternal winter… everywhere.”
As much as I know God isn’t the snow queen from a Disney movie, sometimes I look around in my life and literally think that exact thought… I feel like I’m in eternal winter. It feels cold, and dark, and lonely. There’s so much fog that I can’t see more than a few feet in front of me. Everything is unclear. And hazy. And lonely. And seemingly hopeless.
When you live in winter, in fog, in loneliness, it can often feel like spring will never come. It can feel like you will never feel the sun on your back, or watch the budding of flowers again. It’s a desolate place. And honestly, that’s where our adoption journey is, and has been, for the last two years. This month marks two years since we first started our adoption paperwork… 2 years. And we haven’t even completed our home study yet. It’s exhausting. And heartbreaking. It’s gotten to the point where I almost feel like a fraud saying we’re adopting. I almost don’t even believe it anymore.
The desire to adopt was born in my heart when I spent time working in Siberian orphanages when I was 17. I couldn’t fathom this world of poverty that I had never known. The famine. The children sleeping in their own feces. The drugs and lifestyle that was inevitable once they turned 15 and got kicked out. My heart broke a million times over during that time, but I met Jesus there. I felt Him so deep, and knew, right then, that adoption would be a part of my story. And let’s be real, when I got home I asked my mom if I could adopt a 4 year old boy, at 17… she said no :) But the seed was planted. And God’s still not done growing it.
Fast forward 14 years and I had apparently prayed enough that Isaac, my husband, was now on board too. AHHH! We signed the papers, filled everything out, and had it ready to send in. A few days later I saw two pink lines and realized things were about to be very different for our family. Even with the unexpected addition of our 3rd child, we knew God was still calling us to adopt. We tried to continue the process, but our social worker made us put it on hold until Logan was born and 6 months old. Commence more waiting. I felt like I was going to burst during that 15 months. Waiting for a natural baby. Waiting for God to open doors for our adopted babe. It was enough to make any Mama crazy.
When Logan turned 6 months we avidly went through paperwork, got fingerprints, signed a million signatures and sent things off. Not long after we were greeted with the lovely email from our agencies saying our first payments were due. And without them, we couldn’t proceed. So again, we wait. And that’s where we are right now. Waiting, and praying, and waiting for God to bring the funds in so we can continue our home study. Since we are working with two agencies our initial expenses are double what they would normally be. We’ve opened a shop to help raise funds but it’s a slow journey. Not gonna lie. So still, we wait.
I think that’s the toughest part of waiting. The questions. The what ifs. We’ve heard from God. We know we are supposed to do this, but why is it so long? So hard? To be truthful there have been times in the last few months where Isaac and I have questioned whether or not we should move forward. Is it really worth it? Can we really do this? Is this best for our family? Even though we know in our hearts this is something we want, and that God wants for us, the waiting is terribly discouraging. It’s a very dark place. So questioning ourselves, and what God has asked of us has become very real lately. But here’s the good news. God is showing up. He’s all up in our questioning, doubting, selfish selves, and He is becoming more and more real to us. Even through our doubt and questions He continues to speak. I believe that when God wants to speak, there is almost no escaping it. He has this incredible ability to direct our paths, and our ears, and our eyes to see things He wants us to over and over again.
If I could offer any encouragement to others waiting it’s this. Hold onto what is good. Spring WILL come. Waiting is long, and hard, and painful, but it is worth it. Our Father sees. And how blessed are we to wait for such good gifts. It feels like an honor that God wants to entrust one of His little ones to our family. That, in and of itself is worth the wait. We’ve also been using this time to cultivate our hearts of thankfulness, and prayer. We pray for our child, and think of them, and we actively talk about them in expectance for them to be with us one day. If it wasn’t hard, we may not hold as tightly to the gift. But in the waiting, God is all the more able to show His glory when spring does come, and when we can finally hold that little one, and say… welcome home.
“Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:23
(To keep up with Karen, you can read more on her fun blog!)